If you were my old self…
I am not sure if I will go hard on you or will take things easy. You are quite unpredictable – one day happy and hyped, the next day, gloomy and unmotivated. Well, not every time that you are moody though. Your mind can usually wander to the best visions and hopefuls you have for the future but at the same time, can focus on what needs more attention as of the moment. You sometimes procrastinate but you can also plan things and work smartly ahead of others too. You get motivated by the number of people you can inspire and motivate. Well, honestly, you sometimes have plans unknown to others, same as how you’ve learned it from those tactical books that could use deception and manipulation, however, you always make sure that it’s a two-way benefit even if they don’t recognize it. And with these things that define you, I am embarrassed but at the same time proud of you.
I am still not sure If I should scold you or praise you. You are sometimes tactless and brutal honest but sometimes too modest you could shame other people with their behavior. It still sounds horrible though and I know you could still hear how your loved ones would say how “kind” and “humble” you are and on the other hand, your closest ones would say how “harsh, tactless, and immodest” you could be. Well, I do agree with your view-point a lot of times that it always depend with how we take it or absorb it. As you would always repeat on your mind ever since you were young – “there is no pitiful person if people don’t pity”. Yes, it does sound weird and mean but I know you survived most of the shameful risks you had in your life because of this line. You are compassionate with people yet you always struggle deciding what needs action and the few that only needs emotional connection. To people around you, you are lovable and pleasant, a good listener and adviser, yet, deep in you, you wish they could read between your lines or understand that even on your kind tone, you want them to improve themselves by listening to themselves. You have made a few mistakes and honest harsh comments to select few but interesting enough, they still find you respectable and patient. I wonder why? With these thoughts and different faces that speak of you, I am embarrassed but at the same time still proud of you.
I think that by writing to you, I’m beginning to see your beautiful and ugly sides. Let’s start with what you usually do. In your daily life, you would observe people and their behaviors. That’s your most loved hobby – analyzing behaviors and reactions. You would talk about how ugly human beings can be but at the same time, get teary-eyed to good acts around you. Remember that flight you took wherein during the disembarkation, a grandmother was scolding and shaming her granddaughter for vomiting on her belongings and embarrassing her in front of others? That was one of your strongest image of how ugly humans can be especially when they are in a stressful situation. Well, I know you could have done better and soothe the child but I guess your act of offering your white flower was enough to let people know they can interfere without pitying. I know you have seen more incidents of those like the 5-year-old child asked to buy Coca Cola Bottles almost as big as his legs and accidentally broke them because what else could a usual 5-year-old do than to play with them? Well, I’m honestly still not sure if giving that child money to buy again was a good idea. I know you saw the horrified look on his face when he dropped them but I’m really not sure what change could your “good” offer make too. Ah! I almost forgot! You, one time, shamed a young student for secretively throwing her garbage in the public transportation! hahaha! I remember you asked her to pick it up because you wish to throw it yourself and held on to it in front of her eyes until she shamefully got down already. That was mean and at the same time funny. Oh how I seem to be so similar to you still. I wanted to shame you too because you are sometimes vocal but at the same time, proud of you when you act more instead of react.